Scarves and Smooth Operators

Scarves and Salad Bowls

When I arrived at the business district Olive Garden for lunch. The hostess boss sent one group away with one host to be seated, then after I told her we'd be two, she said, "Ok, just wait one moment." I thought it was to check and make sure of where I was going to sit. It was not. She waited until one of her cronies came back, and made them show me to my table, instead of just doing it herself. Now, maybe that's policy, never leaving the podium unattended, but then I still think she should have shown me to my table and let the returning crony watch over the podium. The way she handled it just left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't know why it left a bad taste in my mouth, but I needed two Olive Garden mints to get it out. 

Ariel and I left work a little earlier than usual, 15 minutes, and it paid off. We were seated in the calm before the storm. 

But we didn't notice much difference in service time. And it filled up pretty quickly as we sat there. 

We got our breadsticks and I took a dirty picture of them (I'll let you decide why I think it's a dirty picture).

Ok, so, forget everything else. Forget about what I ordered (Cavatappi with Asiago Garlic Alfredo and Crispy Chicken Fritta

).

Forget that I ran out of Dr.Pepper (which happens often[read, every time], I think we drink them faster than most people). Forget everything, and focus on this woman I'm going to tell you about.

She was a noopsie. For those of you that watched the pop culture phenomenon, The O.C., you know exactly what I'm talking about. Those of you who did not watch The O.C., spend whatever you must spend to buy the DVD's (probably not worth getting it on blu-ray), and watch it this weekend. 

So, noopsie walks in wearing a scarf. An honest to goodness scarf. And not like the kind you use to stay warm, like the fashion accessory kind.  Yeah, I know the difference. Her, not so posh, friend also was wearing a scarf. So already, my interest is piqued. 

Then, I overhear her tell her server, "just a bowl on the table!" and the server clarified, "Like, no plate, nothing?" "Yes," said the scarf clad noopsie. "somethingmumblesomething it's tacky." 

I wasn't quite sure of what was going on. I didn't catch the whole conversation. Was she complaining about something she'd seen? Did she just want a big bowl of soup without a plate under it? I was confused. But check this chick out:

Do you see that! A. Scarf. B. Girlfriend is just scarfin' down (eh? get it?) straight from the giant salad bowl!

Now that is a noopsie who's charity event I would attend.

Visit 26:

Monetary value: $35.58

Total: $832.91 (4X what we would have paid for Pasta Passes)

The Black and White Pasta

The family that sat behind me at our Leisure World Olive Garden for dinner said a prayer before eating. I should not make fun of people who pray. It's good to pray. I don't usually do it in public, but if they want to, who am I to make fun of them? But then, the girl mentioned the World Series in her prayer. And that, I feel like I can make fun. WHO PRAYS ABOUT THE WORLD SERIES IN PUBLIC? That's all. 

We were served by a smooth operator, who had served us before. "Good to see you again, can I get you some Dr.Peppers?" Ariel decided to get the limeade instead, she thinks the Dr.Pepper is what kept her up last night, and she's asleeping as I type this, so it must be so. I asked if she wanted any Grenada in her drink. We all paused. Grenadine. "Yes, grenadine," said the smooth operator. And away he floated to get our beverages. Ariel insisted the straw be in the picture, because "It looks so cute next to it." and indeed it does. 

From where we were sitting, I could see into the kitchen. They had nice banners hung from the ceiling that read "Prepare Passionately, Plate Perfectly, Present Promptly" What a weird thing for Olive Garden to waste their money on. Just slap that on some sticky notes and hang it in front of the servers and cooks. I bet it'd be just as effective, if not more so.

Ariel had heard someone order half one sauce and half another, so that's what we tried tonight. I got the Cavatappi with Five Cheese Marinara AND Asiago Garlic Alfredo with Chicken Fritta. It reminded me of the black and white cookie from Seinfeld, the best of both worlds. 

It looked pretty gross. But tasted unsurprisingly delicious. 

Smooth Operator brought back our Pasta Passes and called us by name (our names are printed on our passes). Ariel didn't like that, but she prefered her actual name over him calling her "Miss," which he had been doing all night, and which she didn't like at all. Probably because I locked that down over three and a half years ago.

 Oh, look at us. We're so cute. 

Visit 27:

Monetary value: $32.35

Total: $865.26

Weight Fluctuation today: +2.6 lbs

Total:  +5.4 lbs

Pack O Wild Bros, GOT Characters, and Role Reversals

Mo' People Mo' Problems

At lunch time, we tried to leave work earlier, in hopes that Olive Garden would be less busy. It was a failed ploy. It was still very busy. The parking lot was full and I walked in behind a large group of bros. 

I know this only looks like two bros, a geologist, and a cholo, it's hard to get a large group of wild bros all in one picture, without a sorority girl for them to crowd around. That reads so dirty. But trust me, there were like nine bros present. And check out this smug bro guarding the men's restroom. 

Even though it was busy, I was rightfully given priority to the large bro party and had no wait before being seated. As I was led into the great hall, I saw an old, bald man with head bandages. I think that grosses me out more than anything else. Old men head bandages, just let those four words sink in. 

We were served by a pair of servers, clearly a new guy being trained by a veteran girl. They looked like twins, as much as Cersei and Jamie look like twins, but if Cersei and Jamie were from Dorne. Got it? GOT it? Even though it was packed, it didn't seem as busy as yesterday. Maybe they had more people working or something. Dornish Cersei was trying to let DJamie take the lead, but he was a mouse and she kept speaking up, filling in things he should have said. Who would have thought Cersei liked control? One thing she did say, which I really appreciated, was, "Are you on a lunch break?" and then she promised to hurry. And she did. Well done DCersei.

Zuppa Toscana. Nuff said.

DJamie made a couple of rookie mistakes. He left our menus on the table after taking our order. And when he brought out another Dr.Pepper he took Ariel's straw without giving her another one. He came back a minute latter with a straw, we didn't even have to ask. We overheard DCersei telling him to be more proactive. Something like, "I'm trying to let you do as much as you can, but you just got to get in there." He was a nice enough guy, hope he makes it.

Cavatappi with Five Cheese Marinara and Chicken Fritta, not a great batch.

DCersei brought out our check, and Ariel and I got to leave together. Just like Cersei, always bringing people together. 

Visit 24:

Monetary value: $35.58

Total: $761.21

Role Reversal

For dinner, Ariel and I drove straight to our Leisure World Olive Garden from work. I had a meeting to go to, so it was basically the only time we'd see each other. We were served by Super Nice Hostess, turned Super Nice Server. She is beginning to remember us. Happy Glenn Samurai walked by and said hello, he's the one that remembered our order from a year ago, and who looks like a happy version of Glenn from The Walking Dead, but if Glenn had an awesome samurai beard. 

I got the Tri-Colored Penne with  Pesto Alfredo and Crispy Shrimp Fritta. Ariel thought it looked super gross, but it really hit the spot.

I had to leave early for my meeting, so I left Ariel with the tip and the Pasta Passes. How's that for the reversing of gender roles! (I don't even know what I'm talking about) She said that Super Nice Server, who is just past her middle age, had problems with the passes and had to get the manager to come help. Apparently the manager wasn't in the best mood. But for the full story, you'll have to ask Ariel. 

Visit 25:

Monetary value: $36.12

Total: $797.33

Weight Fluctuation today: -1.8 lbs

Total:  +2.8 lbs

Jenny from the Block

Waiting for Lunch

When I got to the business district Olive Garden I was told to wait. A wait for a lunch. Cray-z. This buisness district has a whole "medieval" thing going for it. They've got the great hall, where we all eat in a big room. There's the barrel chested innkeeper server, and then they've got lion heads. Molded lion heads. Which I now realize I should have photographed. But check out this pretty sweet security gate/wine holder thing. Pretty medieval is you ask me.

So after five minutes of sitting around, and the waiting area filling pretty close to capacity, I was taken back to the great hall. 

It was packed. I watched servers rush all around to their various table, like ants rushing around to their various tables. Ariel showed up, even before our server came to get our order. The server behind us apologized for the wait, never a good sign.  Bombshell said to one of her tables, "This is the busiest Monday we've ever had." It's Tuesday. She was too busy to worry about her days. Our server looked like she was from the street, like Jenny from the block. She was a veteran, and I trusted in her. 

I got the Zuppa Toscana, the soup of the olive eating, garden growing, gods. 

Just look at that potato, sausage, and green stuff. Pretty great.

There was a birthday in the great hall. They had three servers half heartedly sing to someone. Why do we do that? Why do we want our servers to sing happy birthday to people? Who started that? How did that become a regular thing we do in our society? How do we stop it?

I got the Rigatoni with Pesto Alfredo and Chicken Fritta. But the best part was the random Cavatappi noodle. Random noodles in the Never Ending Pasta Bowls are like toys from McDonalds Happy Meals, except not as fun.

Jenny from the block came by and said it was super busy. She had too many tables, four, and that there were five dollar coupons that just made it busier. Not to mention the Never Ending Pasta Bowls.

No dinner tonight. Ariel still isn't home, and I'm too tired. Look how quickly I've become jaded. Just 23 times at Olive Garden, and I'm "too tired" for free, easy food.

Visit 23:

Monetary value: $35.58

Total: $725.63

Weight Fluctuation today: -1 lbs

Total:  +4.6 lbs

Warm Worm Arm

Waiting for Lunch

Today, at the business district Olive Garden, I was ushered to a different room than usual. Usually we are taken to a large, mostly unadorned, common room, where the din of other diners keeps me from listening in on my close table mates. Today however, we went to a room that was divided by pillars. I thought, "Well, this is a welcome change." I was wrong. What I didn't realize, is that they had ushered me to the other room because they were busy. Very busy. Someone had warned me that the Never Ending Pasta Bowl promotion made the restaurant much busier, but that it didn't kick in until the middle of the promotion. Well, we're close to the middle, and it's a kickin'.

Because it was so busy, I had to wait quite some time before getting service, and then much longer for our food. As is usual, Ariel arrived later than I to lunch, but even she arrived before our Zuppa Toscana and Salad, and she had to do some waiting of her own. But what a salad it was. 

I'm not one for eating healthy, obviously, but I do enjoy a good salad, when coated in enough salad gravy that is. I think most people call it salad dressing, but either Louie C.K. or Jim Gaffigan once called it salad gravy, and I liked it. It's a joke about food, so probably Gaffigan.

Our server was a nice enough guy. He did his best with what he had, but it was busy and we had to wait a lot. He was up on his DP game though. We rarely don't have to wait for refills, and he kept us filled on Dr.Pepper, if not quick food.

When our Mezzaluna Ravioli finally arrived, Ariel's with Five Cheese Marinara, mine with Traditional Meat Sauce and Meatballs, Ariel only had time for a few bites and had to leave. So I ate from both plates, feeling like the pasta king  I am. 

There is a barrel-chested server at the business district Olive Garden who looks like a medieval innkeeper. He was serving a table next to mine, and was telling the ladies there that the record for most bowls eaten was something like 18 bowls of fettuccine with 12 sausages. I now feel dainty. 

 Visit 21:

Monetary value: $37.72

Total: $657.16

Warm Worm Arm

The Never Ending Pasta Bowl seems to be making both Olive Gardens super busy. We didn't have a wait to sit down tonight, but we did have to wait for breadsticks, they were all out. We ordered our soups, I got the Chicken and Gnocchi soup, which, no matter how you take a picture of it, always just looks like baby vomit. Chunks and all. 

Ariel got the Zuppa Toscana. She deserves an award for being the only human person able to have goosebumps while eating warm soup. Not just any goosebumps either, goosebumps so pronounced they show up in heavily cropped photos. She was literally quaking as she ladled in her warm soup.

We finally received our breadsticks. They were the best breadsticks we've ever gotten at Olive Garden. Ariel almost had a meltdown. They had minimal salt, were slathered in butter, and were warm. Ariel pronounces the word warm as "wharm." I've made fun of it for the past 4 years or so, but tonight she launched a rebuttal. 

"How do you say it?" she asked.

"Warm," I answered, like a regular human being. 

"Ok say the name of the animal that lives in the dirt."

"Worm," again, like a regular human being.

"See?!" she exclaimed! "Warm worm, it doesn't make any sense!

"I disagree," I said. "They clearly don't sound the same."

She said, "Ok, say arm."

"Arm"

"Now say wharm," she said excitedly.

I laughed.

"It's right there in the spelling of the word!" she concluded. 

So in the end my wife made a pretty compelling argument to pronounce "warm'"wrong. But I'll stick with pronouncing it like a normal human.

Towards the end of our meal, the servers came over to a table close to ours and sang happy birthday. It was the most servers I've ever seen get together for a birthday singing at Olive Garden. It was one of Princess Jasmine's tables. I guess when a princess asks you to sing happy birthday to one of her tables, you don't decline.

That's six servers! Right after they finished singing, the grandma of the girl shouted "It's her 21st birthday, at midnight she had her first shot!" This girl was at Olive Garden with her grandparents on her 21st birthday. It was especially funny to us, because, while we ate at the bar one evening, I had mused at how funny it would be to go out drinking on your 21st birthday to Olive Garden. Like, instead of going to a club, or sports bar, a pub, or even a Chili's, going to Olive Garden to get hammered seemed like a funny idea to me. This girl wasn't drunk, in fact she was drinking pop, but the idea still seems a funny one to me. 

Her grandfather started picking his teeth before they left. At least, I hope he was picking his teeth. It's either that, or popping a zit on his uvula. His fingers were farther back in his mouth than I thought possible. 

Visit 22:

Weight Fluctuation today: +1.8 lbs

Total:  +5.6 lbs

Monetary value: $32.89

Total: $690.05

Some YouTube Exclusives

I'm doing some videos only on YouTube. You can see my channel here.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNVlJag1wHWx3fg5YMFTdtA

A Lunch of Butts and A Bar of Flies

A Lunch of Butts

Saturday's are great days. We slept in. We had donuts for breakfast. We laid in bed and watched TV. Having the Pasta Pass is wonderful, because we don't have to worry about cooking, or even about where to go to eat. We will just go to Olive Garden and stuff ourselves full of bread and pasta. 

As we drove into the Olive Garden parking lot, there was a woman crossing the road. We had to come to a stop, but she was one of those people who doesn't care about other humans, and continues to walk across the road at a meandering pace. Plus she was pretty fat, so maybs she couldn't speed up. We'll call her Grumpy Girl, or GG for short. So, GG was with an old man, like withered everywhere, cane using, skin sagging old man, but like the gentlemanly kind. A seemingly sweet old guy. We postulated that he might have been a scoundrel when he was younger, but now that he was old, GG had to take care of him, even though she still resented his past roughish lifestyle. 

I ordered the Rigatoni with Alfredo and Crispy Chicken Fritta. I ordered this because I didn't think I'd tried the Rigatoni before. I had. It's just kind of a boring pasta, and I'd forgotten. It's not that there is anything wrong with it, but it's just nothing special. It's like big penne. Hehe, big penne. 

Lunch on a Saturday ensures that our Leisure World Olive Garden is hopping with old people, or, I guess, shuffling with old people? They don't really hop. But there was this one specimen there, a woman wearing bright green pants. Her butt was hanging over the back of her chair, the way a man's gut will hang over his belt. Quite the unexpected delight.

GG and the old man were sitting pretty close by. We watched as he sat placidly and ate breadsticks and smiled off into the distance (he would take a small bite of the stick of bread, then set it back directly on the table, no plates for him.). GG ignored his contented old man demeanor and played with her phone. Maybe GG was his aide? Paid to take him out on errands, but not interested in a relationship with him at all?

Sprinkled among the vast tables of the living-almost-dead, were many families. One family had three small children, probably between ten and five years old. The three children were in wet suits. We live pretty close to the beach, and I'm sure they had either just come from, or were headed to the water, but my first thought was just that those were the easiest clothes for the kids to eat out in. If they get messy you can just hose them off before they go into the house. Like I said, of course this was not their plan, nor is it a good plan. I'm sure getting little kids into wet suits is not easy at all. But I liked that they were eating in their wetsuits.

Another old lady by us was not hanging her butt over the edge for all to see, no, she had a different strategy, the classic plumber's peek. I know that's what I want to see as I scarf down noodles. 

  

By the time we left, GG had given up any pretense of dining with the old man, and appeared to be watching a movie on her phone. Sad for the old man, but maybe he shouldn't have been such a player when he was young, and then maybe his daughter would love him more. 

Visit 8:

Monetary value: $35.58

Total: $228.06 (Took us five days to pass the $200 dollar mark, which is how much two individual Pasta Passes would cost. It's all just gravy from here)

A Bar of Flies

Tonight Olive Garden was packed. Ariel brought up the point that Pasta Pass holders should get special seating priority. I couldn't agree more. Because it was so busy, a 40 minute wait, we swarmed over to the full service bar, not unlike the fruit flies that dotted the bar overhang.

The bartenders too, looked like flies, dressed all in black, rushing all around, pausing for a moment here, a moment there, before buzzing off again. They were busy, and so we did quite a bit of waiting. 

One of the bartenders was a young, very skinny guy, with long straight, brown hair that he had pulled back into a ponytail. He either had very dark eyelashes, or was wearing eyeliner, I favor the latter idea. He was very Legolasesque, but like if Legolas was a vampire, instead of an elf. He was also wearing like seven rings, definitely from Middle Earth. 

Vampolas, when he finally did get to us, was gracious and charming, like any good vampire-elf is. He took the notes of our order on his phone, I don't know why that still surprised me in 2015, but it did. He then turned to put our order into the computer and pulled a Charles Xavier mind control pose, which really freaked me out after thinking of him as a vamp-elf. I don't want my bartenders to have that kind of power.

I ordered the Angel Hair with Marinara and Chicken Meatballs. The Chicken Meatballs were not on the menu last year, and I've been dreading eating them. I know we already eat chicken in weird forms, dino nuggets, fingers, popcorn, and the like, but a ball of chicken meat did not seem like a good idea to me. I was pleasantly surprised. They were pretty good, probably better than normal meatballs. And they had a little spice to them, which I think helped the Marinara. Last year I only had the Marinara, like, one time, because it was pretty gross. But, they either changed something, or the Chicken Meatballs really made it taste much better. Ariel tried a bite, and did not like them at all. 

Sitting at the bar, we heard some women complaining to one of the managers that their server did something and said, "You should fire him right now!" What a jerk. Whatever their waiter did, from what I heard I think he was slow and maybe forgot the breadsticks, or brought the wrong food, or something. Fine, leave him a smaller tip, I get that. Bad service equals small tip. OK. But whatever mistake he made, I'm sure it was not a fireable offense. I think everyone should have to work some form of customer service in their life. If that woman had ever had to be a server, work retail, or even at a call center, I'm sure it could have taught her to treat servers like people, and to have a little freakin patience. The manager handled the situation very well, explained the server was new, and the ladies left laughing, but I reserve a hatred for them. 

I took a panoramic picture of the bar right as one of the bartenders was putting down a plate, so I got a dismembered hand in the picture, perfect for this time of year. 

With the bartenders buzzing around, filling drink orders, getting more glasses, changing whatever supplied the taps, we waited a little while before we got our check and could leave. The Never Ending Pasta Bowl really seems to have made our Leisure World Olive Garden get much more busy. 

Visit 9:

Weight Fluctuation today: +0.4 lbs

Total:  +2.6 lbs

Monetary value: $31.81

Total: $259.87

A Day Without Ariel: Sad Pasta Poems

A day without Ariel is like summer with no ice cream truck.
I still went to Olive Garden, but it felt like yuck.
I hope you don't want all these lines to rhyme.
But that would indeed be sublime.
The birds of paradise greet me, singing their happy song.
I wish I could sing along.

A bearded man approached my table.
I'm not your server, but I'm able.
In a room, filled with twelve business people
One business man, wearing pink, acted sheeple (It's like sheepish, just go with it)
It was a retirement lunch, for a man who had a hunch.

The manager spoke, a sort of farewell toast
But he stopped to make sure everyone was paying attention to him most.

Gluten-Free Rotini, New Pesto Alfredo, Chicken Fritta,
After eating that I've got to take a ...
Mouth, the boy from One Tree Hill
He's the one to bring out my meal.

The pasta sans gluten has no soul.
It tastes like what you'd find in a zombie bowl.
The pasta melts in your mouth and coats your cheeks
I will be trying to forget it for weeks.
I don't know what it's made of, neither does Beard Face
But it wont be taking up any of our food space.

The ziosk doesn't accept the pass for pasta

just one more reason to get rid of it fasta.

With only one diner, my total is smaller, 

But with the Pasta Pass, I still feel baller.

Visit 6:

Monetary value: $18.33

Total :    $170.92

It's birthday eve, but the wife still works. She slaves over forms and industry changes, a boat on rough and ever changing waters. I am alone in a house of scalding torment, the air conditioning I should allow to blow away my sorrows. But I don't. I sit, and I steam.

Alone, I did go to Olive Garden. It was late, for me, one who sleeps early. The restaurant was crowded. Hoards cramming to get their pasta. Pink haired, the hostess suggested the bar. Alone again on the runway for drinks.

The barkeep was busy, drinks for all tables, and the wine for those who wait. She's a vet, a friend from year past. Through all the tumult, she remained composed. Her attention, when on you, was on you.

Being at the bar has it's advantages. Food right out the door. Server always close by. But lack of nice chair, lack of people to watch, to discuss. The bar is a lonely place.

Mezzaluna Ravioli, Five Cheese Marinara, Crispy Chicken Fritta. More cheese than one man should eat. But eat I did.

The managers came to say hi. Exclaimed about Twitter, marketing, and communications. Were uninformed by corporate, or whoever stalks the Olive Garden social media den.

Brought food home for wife. Still she works. Thus is life. You find someone you like, with whom you want to spend all your time, then you never see them again. Tomorrow is her birthday. We will rejoice that night.


Ok, so I never said they'd be good poems, but in that first one I rhymed pretty well, so at least I got that going for me.

Visit 7:
Weight Fluctuation today: -0.6 lbs
Total:  +2.2 lbs
Monetary value: $21.56
Total: $192.48